WhattheNewYorkTimesDoesn'tTell.com

So many lies. So many concealments. Seeking to extend our search for

spiritual and physical wellness, on Saturday we decided to visit the Clifton Springs spa featured in a recent travel article in the New York Times. But like Erin's GPS system which confused Scranton for Brooklyn, this article led us seriously astray. Indeed we followed it to the Clifton Springs Hospital. The unfortunate smell of sulfur and disinfectant became more pungent as we approached. But we held out hope. Homeopathic remedies awaited, and we were going to take the waters.

We sent Ashby as our scout. Instead of a spa, he found patients running the asylum, ahem, hospital. No spa to be found – only a place where the patients go for aquatic rehab.

No longer would I worship at the altar of the New York Times so blindly.

Even pilgrims need wireless

This blog almost never happened. We wandered around Palmyra, Clifton Springs, Farmington and a host of other towns in search of wi-fi. Denied at two "public libraries," yet inspired by the persistence of Joseph Smith and the pantheon of saints we learned about yesterday, we kept on -- until we reached the Flint Creek Brewing Company (116-120 E. Main St., Phelps, N.Y.). Doug Latch is the proprietor of a delightful coffee shop which also serves lunch and dinner. But who has time for food?

Shipwreck on the way to the Promised Land

Moroni speaks, we listen

The word of Moroni was revealed to us in the pageant

"I, Moroni, now finish the record of my father Mormon who was killed. I remain alone not to write the sad tale of the destruction of my people. They are gone. Jesus Christ hath shown you unto me. And I know your doing. I know that you waste yourselves with envy, strife, malice, persecution and all kinds of evil. You love money and wealth more than you love the poor and the needy, the sick and the afflicted. Why are you ashamed to take up on you the name of Christ? And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you to ask God, the eternal father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true. And if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith, he will manifest the truth of it unto you by the power of the holy ghost, and ye may know the truth of all things."

Experiencing the Epic

"Listen and I will tell you what the Lord showed me,” said Lehi. "An angel led me to a tree and I partook of the fruit. It was sweet, and it filled me with exceedingly great joy. I was desirous for all of you to taste it. I called you and you came. The tree is the love of God which fills the heart of God."

How do we even begin to tell this story? The LDS Church recognizes that the scope and power of this tale -- beginning with God's first revelations to Lehi about the coming of Christ (roughly 5,000 years prior to his birth in Bethlehem), encompassing the trans-Atlantic journey of Lehi and his sons to present day America, and culminating with Joseph Smith's discovery at the Hill Cumorah -- requires a massive stage, 719 devoted actors, pyrotechnics, a flying Jesus, and several waterfalls.

The pageant is an attempt to bring these fundamental stories to thousands of Mormons and non-Mormons each year. This is a sweeping drama -- think of Ben Hur or The Ten Commandments, factor an extra 7,000 years into the chronology, and include not just one people but several different ethnic and religious groups on a giant stage built to look like an Mayan temple.


But you can't! You can't actually think of this! The very performance gives us pause to consider Sister Carrie's exhortations -- maybe revelation does play a role here. You have to give these folks a lot of credit.

In a story that perfectly combines the tales of Jonah and Noah, God teaches Lehi to build a ship so he and his family can escape Jerusalem. But some of the sons are wicked, and the Lord punishes the family on the ship by sending a great storm. They almost perish. But Lehi and his good son Nephi call upon the Lord and he saves them.

“After they sailed for many days, they came to the promised land, the land were now call North and South America. God had already brought many people to this land, as he would later bring Columbus.”

The Ya Ya Sisterhood, Mormon Style

Included in the diverse offerings of LDS paraphernalia at Latter-Day Harvest bookstore in downtown Palmyra is a selection of Mormon-endorsed fiction. Our favorite of the collection is A Modest Proposal, Book 1 in the Butterfly Box Series, your universal, looking-for-love story that fuses The Ya Ya Sisterhood with Mormon morality. The main character, a Utah native, loves fashion and has moved to New York City to pursue her dream of designing modest dresses so that LDS girls and mothers will never have to again have the fight over those "too-skimpy straps" while prom dress shopping. Having suffered the husbandless fate of many New York women and unwilling to accept a life sans man, she returns to Utah to spend time with her girlfriends and collect herself. With the knowledge that Mormon engagements often come quickly, she keeps her eye out for the right Mormon single who may offer her "modest proposal." Ashby considered buying the novel, but sixteen dollars persuaded him otherwise. He purchased instead a Samuel the Lamanite action figure for $4.99.

Meeting the stars: Pre-show at the pageant

Exploring the Hill Cumorah grounds proved more exciting than even the anti-Mormons and protesters. One of the pageant's major attractions is meeting the 719 Saints who have been chosen to perform in the pageant. Attired variously as Nephites, Lamanites, pre-Columbian Native Americans, and early 19th century upstate New Yorkers, these folks are incredibly friendly -- and very happy to have their pictures taken with any visitor. Another important responsibility appeared to be kootchie-kooing the multitudes of Mormon babies who were among the spectators.




It didn't hurt that Ashby looked a lot like a missionary. His well-chosen outfit paved the way for many photo opportunities. We were even invited to apply to be part of the pageant next year. Apparently it is a really good way to meet other singles.




While the event is clearly for and about Mormons, the whole community seemed to play a role in this grand affair. Standing by were local firefighters and rescue workers; after all, this is an enormous event for such a small town, and the pyrotechnics call for extra support. Here, Joy poses with the firetruck emblazoned with the company name -- we thought fondly of the Citizen's Hose Co. No. 1 in Smyrna, Del.