The pleasures of the sprayground

Saturday afternoon brought intermittent showers and a lack of direction. The sprayground at Seneca Lake State Park gave our day meaning before we headed to the Joseph Smith farm.



Since we couldn't take the waters at Clifton Springs, Ashby and Hope decided to join the diarrhea-free children in the sprayground. Erin left her rubber pants at home; a strict rule-follower, she decided to watch from the sidelines.

Joy's revelation

"The reason everyone is terrified of the Mormons is the reason why everyone is terrified of me: I am Brigham Young; I am Genghis Khan." If the world is divided into explorers and empire-builders, visionaries and organizers, then this dichotomy is certainly at play in the Mormon religion. The pageant at Hill Cumorah truly celebrates the poet and mystic – Joseph Smith was blessed with several visions of the messenger Moroni, and the restoration of the gospel depends on a series of interactions between Smith and the divine.

A brilliant strategist and gifted orator, Brigham Young led the fledgling faithful to Salt Lake City, where they settled after Smith's death in Missouri. By all accounts, he was a charismatic leader credited with the growth and resiliency of the young Mormon church. His story is not part of the narrative told at Hill Cumorah, Joseph Smith's family's farm or the visitors center. However, without Young, few people would return to Palmyra each year to celebrate the birth of one of the world's great modern religions.

What makes you an empire-builder rather than an explorer or a poet? If Joy is any indication, empire-builders do not indulge in whims of fancy or dalliances in sacred groves, or tend to listen to voices emanating from bright lights. But then again, she had her first revelation on this trip – what's next?

A walk in the sacred woods

The Sacred Grove has been well-cared for over the years. There are many spots where trees have been trimmed or cut down to allow light to filter through to the forest floor. Although we cannot be sure of their exact location, we know that several of the Witness Trees (i.e., those that were standing guard when Heavenly Father appeared to Joseph Smith).



The Sacred Grove is a very special area in the personal history of Joseph Smith, and hence the grand narrative of the Mormon church. It is here that the Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ first appeared to adolescent Joseph and told him that he would find the record of the one true religion. Then Moroni took him to the place where the golden tablets were buried on the Hill Cumorah, but it would be several years before Joseph was permitted (by word of Moroni) to uncover the tablets.



The story of these plates -- the revelation, losing, finding, then translating them -- constitutes an essential place in the history of the LDS Church. During the tour, the plates are referred to exclusively as "the record" or "the plates." Only once Joseph Smith translates the plates do we know them as The Book of Mormon.

It is a "tender mercy," according to our missionary guides, that the Sacred Grove has been preserved because it remains an exceptional place to hear God's voice.

A visit to the Joseph Smith farm

After our jaunt to the state park on Saturday afternoon, we had planned to head back to the Budget Inn for a brief rest. We just couldn't resist a stop at the Joseph Smith farm.

This log cabin is a reproduction of where young Joseph and his family lived.

Years later, the Smith family would move into a larger house. Pictured above, one of the several bedrooms in the new home. Eighty-five percent of the original structure still stands. We learned many facts about Joseph Smith and his family – for example, his brother contracted a horrible sickness (possibly acute appendicitis) and gangrene spread through much of his body in approximately two days).

Our tour guides here and throughout the weekend were young sisters, most on mission. Unfortunately, we were expressly prohibited from videotaping these women, young and old, while they were speaking. Each spoke softly and sweetly, staring at the ground and clipping off the end of their sentences. The syntax of the women we heard throughout the weekend was completely consistent and unique to this group. Each presentation ended with a soliloquy constituting the sister's "testimony." Heads bowed, hands wringing, each sister would say, "I know in my heart that you will feel a spirit of peace in this holy place," or speak of "Heavenly Father's" tender mercies in preserving Joseph Smith's farm, or the Sacred Grove. By Saturday afternoon, we all felt that some profound organizing force engenders a remarkable uniformity in these missionaries, even in their speech.

A Weekend Timeline

We have gotten some reader inquiries about the chronology of these events. For clarity, here is our trip itinerary:

Friday, July 18th
8am: Sister Joy & Brother Ashby leave New Haven; Sisters Hope & Erin leave Philadelphia.
1pm: All parties meet up in Liverpool, home of the Salt Museum and Marie Amongst the Iroquois Museum, at the Pizza Villa; Sisters Erin & Hope are assualted by DR RON 89.
2:30pm: Check-in at Budget Inn.
3:30pm: Trip orientation session at Hill Cumorah Welcome Center.
4pm: Ascend the Hill Cumorah. Witness "Pageant Rules."
5pm: Journey to Village of Palmyra. Shopping at Latter Day Harvest. Debate purchase of A Modest Proposal or action figure.
6-11pm: Park at pageant. Save seats. Eat barbequed chicken and salt potatoes. Interact with costumed cast. Engage protesters and supposed Rolling Stone reporter. Enjoy pageant. Depart pageant grounds.

Saturday, July 19th
7am: Wake-up to Brother Ashby singing "Good Morning, Good Morning."
8am: Breakfast at Broadway Diner in Farmington, NY.
9-11am: Search for wi-fi. Realize New York Times is a hoax.
11am: Blogging and coffee at Flint Creek Brewing Company.
1pm: Lunch and sightseeing in Seneca Falls.
3pm: Enjoy New York State Park System. Fun at Sprayground.
5:55pm: Arrive with no time to spare for Sister Joy to purchase coveted chalk bull dog.
6:15pm: Tour Joseph Smith farm and home and the "Sacred Grove."

Sunday, July 20th
7am: Wake to Sister Hope's rendition of "9 to 5".
8am: A cup of ambition at Finger Lakes Coffee.
9am: Sister Joy & Brother Ashby leave for New Haven; Sisters Hope & Erin leave for Philadelphia.

An absolute tyranny

"The history of mankind is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations on the part of man toward woman, having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over her."

- Declaration of Sentiments, 1848


We really enjoyed our visit to the Seneca Falls visitors center and monument. Note that there are no longer any falls in Seneca.

Women making history

We happened to visit Seneca Falls, N.Y., on July 19, 2008 – 160 years to the day after the historic convention for "woman's suffrage" was held in this small town.

We lunched in a cafe full of women -- women bikers from Texas, octogenarians from the League of Women Voters and families visiting this historic site.

WhattheNewYorkTimesDoesn'tTell.com

So many lies. So many concealments. Seeking to extend our search for

spiritual and physical wellness, on Saturday we decided to visit the Clifton Springs spa featured in a recent travel article in the New York Times. But like Erin's GPS system which confused Scranton for Brooklyn, this article led us seriously astray. Indeed we followed it to the Clifton Springs Hospital. The unfortunate smell of sulfur and disinfectant became more pungent as we approached. But we held out hope. Homeopathic remedies awaited, and we were going to take the waters.

We sent Ashby as our scout. Instead of a spa, he found patients running the asylum, ahem, hospital. No spa to be found – only a place where the patients go for aquatic rehab.

No longer would I worship at the altar of the New York Times so blindly.

Even pilgrims need wireless

This blog almost never happened. We wandered around Palmyra, Clifton Springs, Farmington and a host of other towns in search of wi-fi. Denied at two "public libraries," yet inspired by the persistence of Joseph Smith and the pantheon of saints we learned about yesterday, we kept on -- until we reached the Flint Creek Brewing Company (116-120 E. Main St., Phelps, N.Y.). Doug Latch is the proprietor of a delightful coffee shop which also serves lunch and dinner. But who has time for food?

Shipwreck on the way to the Promised Land

Moroni speaks, we listen

The word of Moroni was revealed to us in the pageant

"I, Moroni, now finish the record of my father Mormon who was killed. I remain alone not to write the sad tale of the destruction of my people. They are gone. Jesus Christ hath shown you unto me. And I know your doing. I know that you waste yourselves with envy, strife, malice, persecution and all kinds of evil. You love money and wealth more than you love the poor and the needy, the sick and the afflicted. Why are you ashamed to take up on you the name of Christ? And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you to ask God, the eternal father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true. And if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith, he will manifest the truth of it unto you by the power of the holy ghost, and ye may know the truth of all things."

Experiencing the Epic

"Listen and I will tell you what the Lord showed me,” said Lehi. "An angel led me to a tree and I partook of the fruit. It was sweet, and it filled me with exceedingly great joy. I was desirous for all of you to taste it. I called you and you came. The tree is the love of God which fills the heart of God."

How do we even begin to tell this story? The LDS Church recognizes that the scope and power of this tale -- beginning with God's first revelations to Lehi about the coming of Christ (roughly 5,000 years prior to his birth in Bethlehem), encompassing the trans-Atlantic journey of Lehi and his sons to present day America, and culminating with Joseph Smith's discovery at the Hill Cumorah -- requires a massive stage, 719 devoted actors, pyrotechnics, a flying Jesus, and several waterfalls.

The pageant is an attempt to bring these fundamental stories to thousands of Mormons and non-Mormons each year. This is a sweeping drama -- think of Ben Hur or The Ten Commandments, factor an extra 7,000 years into the chronology, and include not just one people but several different ethnic and religious groups on a giant stage built to look like an Mayan temple.


But you can't! You can't actually think of this! The very performance gives us pause to consider Sister Carrie's exhortations -- maybe revelation does play a role here. You have to give these folks a lot of credit.

In a story that perfectly combines the tales of Jonah and Noah, God teaches Lehi to build a ship so he and his family can escape Jerusalem. But some of the sons are wicked, and the Lord punishes the family on the ship by sending a great storm. They almost perish. But Lehi and his good son Nephi call upon the Lord and he saves them.

“After they sailed for many days, they came to the promised land, the land were now call North and South America. God had already brought many people to this land, as he would later bring Columbus.”

The Ya Ya Sisterhood, Mormon Style

Included in the diverse offerings of LDS paraphernalia at Latter-Day Harvest bookstore in downtown Palmyra is a selection of Mormon-endorsed fiction. Our favorite of the collection is A Modest Proposal, Book 1 in the Butterfly Box Series, your universal, looking-for-love story that fuses The Ya Ya Sisterhood with Mormon morality. The main character, a Utah native, loves fashion and has moved to New York City to pursue her dream of designing modest dresses so that LDS girls and mothers will never have to again have the fight over those "too-skimpy straps" while prom dress shopping. Having suffered the husbandless fate of many New York women and unwilling to accept a life sans man, she returns to Utah to spend time with her girlfriends and collect herself. With the knowledge that Mormon engagements often come quickly, she keeps her eye out for the right Mormon single who may offer her "modest proposal." Ashby considered buying the novel, but sixteen dollars persuaded him otherwise. He purchased instead a Samuel the Lamanite action figure for $4.99.

Meeting the stars: Pre-show at the pageant

Exploring the Hill Cumorah grounds proved more exciting than even the anti-Mormons and protesters. One of the pageant's major attractions is meeting the 719 Saints who have been chosen to perform in the pageant. Attired variously as Nephites, Lamanites, pre-Columbian Native Americans, and early 19th century upstate New Yorkers, these folks are incredibly friendly -- and very happy to have their pictures taken with any visitor. Another important responsibility appeared to be kootchie-kooing the multitudes of Mormon babies who were among the spectators.




It didn't hurt that Ashby looked a lot like a missionary. His well-chosen outfit paved the way for many photo opportunities. We were even invited to apply to be part of the pageant next year. Apparently it is a really good way to meet other singles.




While the event is clearly for and about Mormons, the whole community seemed to play a role in this grand affair. Standing by were local firefighters and rescue workers; after all, this is an enormous event for such a small town, and the pyrotechnics call for extra support. Here, Joy poses with the firetruck emblazoned with the company name -- we thought fondly of the Citizen's Hose Co. No. 1 in Smyrna, Del.

Doubters and Apostates

Just beyond the Hill Cumorah grounds fence, a few feet from hundreds of acres devoted to the story of Joseph Smith and the Mormon religion, a few faithful confront the doubtless masses and preach their own brand of piety. “What Mormons Don’t Tell” is writ large on a bright yellow tent. Armed with a variety of pamphlets and binder of newspaper clippings from the 1970s featuring uncomplimentary stories about Mormons, a group of evangelical Christians reach out to anyone who will visit them – intent on explaining how LDS doctrine differs from the teachings of mainstream Protestant denominations. Most of all they emphasize the half-truths and concealments that missionaries peddle on their door to door journeys. Regardless, "Ruth," the woman who spoke to us, refused to identify which church she attended.

What are the apostasies? For one, the Mormon church (according to WhatMormonsDon’tTell.org) believe that Lucifer was not only a fallen angel (traditional scripture interpretation); instead he was originally Jesus’ brother.

What about that most sacred of Christian tenets, the virgin birth? While Christian denominations traditionally teach that Mary became pregnant with Jesus when the Holy Spirit visited and “filled” her, spiritually. Ruth leaned in closer to us, and whispered, “They believe God inseminated her.”


Our interaction with Ruth was cut short when someone apparently representing the press started asking questions. He was allegedly from Rolling Stone, a claim possibly legitimized by his Graceland tee-shirt. At least we are sure he was not Mormon; most LDS teens sported shirts with slogans such as "Air Mormon" and "I'm a Mormon girl -- worth waiting for."

Latter-Day Consumers

Speaking of Mormon t-shirts....On the main drag in Palmyra, we browsed the impressive spectrum of Mormon wares available at Latter Day Harvest. Available are a full range of action figures of prominent prophets and players in the Book of Mormon; a bookstore; a plethora of maps of Central America, Palestine, Utah and other places pertinent to the Mormon story; and other exciting finds.

A wide selection of book titles included What's the Big Deal about Pornography?, The Truth about Mormons and Blacks, Parenting the Strong-Willed Child, an entire series about Mormon genealogy, and a Mormon Harry Potter line.

Choose your language: The Voice of God

Followed by sister Carrie's testimony, we hear the voice of God aired in three languages – English for the majority of listeners, Spanish for the two Latina women who were inexplicably weeping throughout the testimony, and French for the foreign exchange student whose host family did not know how to be quiet during the other languages.



"Listen carefully to what the Lord is trying to tell you," Sister Carrie exhorted. "These are reenactors, but their performance is guided by the Holy Spirit in this holy story."

The holy story was indeed portrayed in “The Restoration,” a 20-minute special detailing Joseph Smith’s personal search for God’s truth regarding denominationalism – a.k.a., “How Joseph Smith brilliantly capitalized on sectarianism in early 19th century American Protestantism and started his own religious house party.”


The Restoration refers to the salvation of the golden tablets which had been buried by the last virtuous American Indian and which contain the history of Jesus’ teaching in North America. When Joseph Smith discovered the golden tablets on which the righteous native peoples had recorded the ancient story of Mormon. It was centuries later that Mormon's son, Moroni, led young Joseph to the place where he would unearth the tablets, and through God's inspiration, restore the true gospel.

Note that Joseph Smith's brother in this feature presentation was totally hot. HOT. At least per Ashby.

Speaking of hot, Ashby was the subject of many advances at the visitors center. Please note snappy Mormon-style outfit which fetched many admiring glances from the sisters, and not a few lingering back-slaps from the elders. At first we thought he’d be regarded as a Lost Brother (accompanied by three harlots), but instead he found himself the Lust Brother at Hill Cumorah.

Our patriarchs

These portraits were among dozens of well-executed oil paintings in the visitors center. Together, they form a visual narrative of the history of the LDS Church, beginning with the lost tribes of Israel's wandering in Central America, through the life of Joseph Smith and the publication of the Book of Mormon, up until the present day Prophet, Seer, Revelator and President of the Church.

Joseph Smith, Jr.

President Thomas S. Monson

First steps of our journey

Upon our arrival in Palmyra, we headed to the Church of Latter Day Saints of Jesus Christ Visitors Center. We were immediately directed into a room with a 12-foot tall, benippled plaster Jesus. Joy, our resident scholar of religious art history, notes that such representations of Jesus are completely foreign to traditional iconography and sculpture.

One of the sisters at the visitors center then presented us with her personal testimony. Sister Carrie looked at the floor while telling us of her great love for Jesus, the current prophet Thomas S. Monson, and Joseph Smith. Clutching the Book of Mormon, Sister Carrie told us that she has had conversations with the lord, and the lord has told her that the Book of Mormon is the truth.

At this point, Hope attempted to call her voice mail in order to record what was said, but instead, the voice mail message was broadcast for the room to hear, followed by stifled laughter from Brother Ashby.

Sister Carrie did deliver a compelling message of personal faith and institutional doctrine. She briefed us on the history of Joseph Smith’s new prophesy, i.e., she told us that Jesus had come to the American Indians and shared with them the word of the Lord. However, the native peoples turned to wickedness (as they are wont to do), and the true teaching was lost.

If I were wearing that, I’d be thrown in jail

Rolling into the village of Liverpool, N.Y., less than 10 miles outside of Syracuse proper going west on Rte. 90, Erin and I were encouraged by signs for the Salt Museum, the Presbyterian church, and the volunteer fire company. We were sure to find a delightfully local place for lunch, something would speak to us here, and we’d experience the signature charm of upstate New York we were looking for.

Then we met DR RON 89 (per his license plate). Erin and I were getting our stuff out of the trunk, and he pulled up behind us in the parking lot of Pizza Villa. “You girls are really living the life,” he said. It was almost complimentary, and true – young, and in Erin’s spicy red convertible, we were certainly more vivacious than poor Dr. Ron. His good years had come and gone at least 50 years ago. “If I dressed like you, they’d put me in jail for indecent exposure,” he said, and drove quickly away in his Buick.

Apparently soccer shorts and athletic t-shirts are still scandalous in Liverpool. Or at least across from the Presbyterian Church.

The road: Chinese massage and other wonders

At the intersection of routes 476 and 81, about three hours north of Philadelphia, the Petro Stopping Center is more than gas and cold drinks. This is where road warriors like truckers, traveling salesmen, and Mormon pilgrims can get a haircut and purportedly Chinese massage. You can also catch a movie and buy replacement parts for your CB in the full-service gas station store; unfortunately, the lounge is for truckers only. (Your Amex might get you in, though.)

These things have been revealed to me

Over a year ago, we began planning a trip to the Hill Cumorah Pageant in Palmyra, N.Y. The annual reenactment of many of the founding stories of Mormonism, the pageant draws thousands of faithful and a handful of gentiles to an enormous outdoor stage tucked into the hillside in upstate New York. We weren’t the first curious (and slightly scornful) outsiders to visit this magnificent, grandiose celebration.